The Happy Feet of the Happy Couple

Rock the Dress – Destination Wedding – Lucea – Jamaica

It’s now Thursday March 31, 2011 as the sound of the alarm clock at 6:00 am. is telling us the morning has begun…. well, the morning begins only after the “holy crap is it time to get up already?” question from me to Suzanne!! Anyways, we are on the beautiful Island of Jamaica in a Village called Lucea at the Grand Palladium Lady Hamilton Resort & Spa… we had just shot the destination Wedding for Sandra & Jay who are from Grande Prairie Alberta the day before…  the sun is already shining, and the heat can be felt through the glass of the sliding window as I look outside to see what kind of shoot Suzanne is going to have.. sunny… very sunny with a chance of more sun…

So up we get, I stuff my face with granola bars and other snacks to ensure I make it until we eat breakfast after the shoot… I can go up to 1 hour without eating at any given time…years of training have allowed me to work up to this timeframe..  get lubed up with 37 gallons of sunblock, get dressed, and grab the equipment… out the door we go, and the heat hits you like stepping into a sauna with your clothes on.. KAHEATO ! sweating starts immediately, and I already need to shower (note to self, next time duct tape underarm gel packs to armpits)

We had a blast the day before at the wedding and we are really pumped about the Rock the Dress Shoot with S & J today, in fact I mention to Suzanne I should go back to the room to shower as my excitement is really starting to show/smell… I get the “NOPE” look and we carry on to the meeting place at the big pool by the Caribbean Sea. You have to realize that this place is booming during the day and evening, but in the early morning only the staff can be seen in the odd place here and there… is like a deserted island… get it? hahahahahaha I do !!

Hammock of Love

Well, 4 gallons of sweat and 15 minutes later we arrived and scope the pool area and enjoy our last full day in paradise.. tears roll down my cheeks which turns out to be sweat (both are salty) and washes away 4 gallons of sunblock.. 33 gallons left and I am starting to panic… Sandra(the bride) actually made a remark when she saw me at the pool the day before “Hey, nice pasty skin color there Shane” and I intend to keep it that way… nice and pasty… toothpaste if you wish.. white and unbaked.. anyways, enough about my beautiful skin.

We spot Sandra & Jay down by the beach-building-of-towels and such.. and they are in their wedding apparel from the night before and ready to go… I specifically instructed Sandra to stay dressed, stand in the corner of the room, and sleep like that…. no wrinkles… no hair mussed up…. like a professional boxer I also said to not play the hokey pokey and shake stuff all around… no wait, that was a movie I once saw so nevermind and don’t read my last couple of sentences before this one.

Off to the beach we go, I am video taping it and chatting away like a mosquito in the background… nobody is really listening and nobody can really ignore me, but if given a chance will SMACK me if I get too close… the beach is completely empty except for the 4 of us… the beach… the ocean… and Sandra’s Mom… Oh, HI Bea…I didn’t see you standing there… keep this in mind that the Bride’s Mom is with us… for later… in mind…later (I gotta get an echo machine)

Sexy Sea Eyes

So off to the point we go to start the session, nice large rocks/boulders with a light color to them that went into the ocean in a gentle arch. We received a “Bug” Broadcast from Sandra about spiders and such, even though we weren’t asking…VERY nice of Sandra!! thanks. After this, it was ROCK THE DRESS time!! (where you should know there was more broadcasting! lol)

So we approach the sandy beach part again and it’s now starting to get alive with people, who are trying to get there early enough for the best spots. Sandra’s Mom is still with us, watching the events take place as she stands close by. I look up to the sky to see why it’s raining with absolutely no clouds to be seen, when I realize it’s just the sweat flying off my head. A small rainbow can be seen, small trout are swimming up the stream of sweat from my body…I regret not bringing a fishing rod.

Sandra gets into the water, makes broadcasts about how wet it is and how cold the water is..she has 2 toes in the water I should clarify. I still think she thought that this was as deep as she was going to go… Suzanne had different ideas and asked her to keep going into the water until she was up to her waist.. more broadcasting… organs freezing, hypothermia, etc. (Sidenote-the water is the same temperature as the air… 30 degrees celsius)

The Beautiful Bride the morning after

Sandra & Jay are really getting into the shoot as the time goes on, besides the odd “More kissing” and “You need to be kissing more” direction from Suzanne it all coming together. Remember when I asked you to remember the Mother of the Bride was there? Well, it was coming together so much so that Sandra’s Mom makes a comment about I shouldn’t be watching this, and goes off to sit in a beach chair. It was nothing X rated, but it implied them being intimate!

ROCK the DRESS

Back to the beach, we take over a Hammock before it gets absorbed by the crowd for a few more shots… the dress is completely drenched, as well as the Bride & Groom and I am sure there is sand everywhere. It’s now almost 9 am. and the beach and pool are now busy with the happy vacationers, as Suzanne spots a very colorful boat off in the distance.  We walk to it amidst the happy faces that seem to enjoy watching a bride & groom walk along a beach in their very wet wedding clothes…….the 2 hours just seemed to fly as we bring this Destination Wedding Rock the Dress shoot to an end.

Thanks to Sandra & Jay for the Rock the Dress photo shoot with Suzanne Sagmeister Photography

Not the end....just the beginning........

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Ross, Chris, Ande, Denham and Jay

Well, as the official guy that has been hired NOT to write lyrics for the band Versus the Nothing, I thought the least I can do is blog about our shoot with these talented young lads. Can you imagine, lyrics being SOO bad they pay me to keep them to myself…. Anywho,  Suzanne found these lads in a box of Rice Krispies I think, though I am not sure… she probably told me, but I have selective hearing….. here is how it actually went when you play the film back…. 

“I grab the bat for safety sake… in case I have to hobble Suzanne… for my safety” 

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! SHANE SHANE SHANE, GET DOWN HERE !!!! QUICK, YOU GOTTA COME SEE AND HEAR THIS !!!!!!!” were the screams I heard from the basement…. so, dial 9-1 on the phone keeping the other finger on the last 1 just in case… grab the bat in case there is a murderer in the basement with Suzanne and I have to hobble her for my get away safety…. when I finally crawl into the basement, she has this band on the computer and saying things like “listen to these guys” and “these guys are awesome” and “what do you think?”… after I silenced her with the bat, I indeed found these guys to be incredible…. when she awoke, she said they are called Versus the Nothing and they are from Vancouver… arms a flailing, lips a flapping, she was pumped!!! I want to do a photo shoot with these guys, and I am going to contact them and see if they are willing. Though I would have loved to find these dwarf like midgets in a cereal box, it was only my faded memory of childhood toys combined with their awesomeness…. aaaaaaah, the joys of Alzheimer’s..

“so anyways, back to the legend like story I am writing…”

We were supposed to hook up with these guys as they did their Western Canada Road Dogs Tour in Edmonton to do a photo shoot, but due to scheduling and other stuff and things (parole me thinks), we ended up meeting in Salmon Arm….. Salmon Arm, have you ever heard a sillier name? it’s like calling a town Bird Lips… A salmon has no arms and a chicken has no lips.. I would get into the whole dog having lips thing, but Suzanne swears our Danes have lips, and I grow tired of discussing it knowing I can’t win… my thoughts are if you can’t whistle, it’s cuz you have no lips… anyways, I digress..  

“If you can’t whistle, it is because you are lipless”  

So anyways, the boys are doing their tour, keeping the world updated in regards to their van status and the transmission and the appearances via Facebook and Twitter and MYspace which I no longer really bother with… I always wanted to be a rock legend, so I live vicariously through their exploits.. ya, a van in need of a transmission, real rock stuff!! the next thing you know, they will be in need of fuel… do ya think?? do rock stars require gas?? anyways, I am starting to go waaaaaay off track here…  

Ross - lead singer Versus the Nothing

So we make it through the mountains during a couple of storms, and get to the beautiful town of “Salmons have no Arms”… The lads make it also and we make plans to do the shoot of all shoots…  

Suzanne started scoping for places as soon as we got there, I had barely unhooked the RV and she was waving to me as she went down the road before the sunlight disappeared…. not sure I could have cleared the RV if I didn’t unhook it, but I should practice… unhook, JUMP outta the way.. unhook, JUMP outta the way… she unfortunately did not find an ideal spot, so we made sure to get on it the next day… we were staying at Tim and Brenda’s place our friends from Fort Nelson, and we bedded down for the night after a supper with our pals.  

“Unhook.. JUMP outta the way…”  

The next day the scoping began.. and after  searching for most of the afternoon, we found a spot as we were heading back home… Suzanne saw a farmer’s market and had me pull over… sure enough, the layout was awesome, lots of pumpkins and old farm vehicles and retro market and stuff and things… De Mille’s Farm Market was the place.. a fine young man by the name of  Brad DeMille was happy to let us do a shoot on the site and we highly recommend anyone travelling through Salmon Arm shop there  http://www.demillesfarmmarket.com/ thanks Brad.. or B-Rad as you are now known by me and my millions of followers… Brad is for normies, B-Rad is for guys in the know… and you are NOW a guy in the know…  

Jay - Bass Player Versus the Nothing

So Suzanne gives Ande a buzz and says she has found the perfect spot, and maybe we can meet to talk about it.. of course the lads were happy and said to come on by the Husky Gas Station as they were hanging around… we never really thought nothing of it, as they were probably parked there with their tour bus and were doing some running around… when we saw the extension cord connected to the van that was parked in the back from the Husky we realized we should keep driving as they were actually LIVING there… so I stepped on the gas but Ande must have spotted us cuz he flew from the van and into our path… I had no choice, run him over or stop….Suzanne reached over and put it into park as I stomped on the gas pedal…..I guess running him over was not a real option…. so we got out to meet the band… sorry Ande, you will probably have someone read you this and now know I wanted to run you over…  

“Extension cord for borrowing Electricity, Versus the Nothing sticker on the van for Publicity”  

The Lads jumped out of the van, but Chris was missing, probably off to buy supper, beef jerky or something nutritional like that… Ande and Ross and Jay come out, and Denham was soon to follow carrying his large tupperware container of granola that he has NO intentions of sharing… like a wolf at a moose kill, he was scarfing it down and watching the other wolves as he did so, ever ready to snap a hand off if it got anywhere near his food stash…  

Denham - drummer and Granola "Unsharer"

 ”Corduroy the Drummer nevers shares anything and eats with his drumsticks”  

Anywho, we chatted, I showed the boys some new leg moves like “The-Forward-Lunge-until-you-split” maneuver and Suzanne discussed her ideas about location. She described the farmer’s market in detail, hands a flailing as per the norm when she gets excited, and worked the guys up into a frenzy !! Chris finally showed up and he was carrying beef jerky like I suspected… I too used to be young and single, and you could survive on this stuff… by the way, it is made out of leather that is INFERIOR for belts Chris, just so you know….  

Ande - lead guitarist for Versus the Nothing

 ”Ande is single handedly bringing back the Rock Star Mullet… known as the Rockllet or Mullock”   

So the boys point out the van and it’s contents, which had bunks built into the back and a table for card playing and drinking milk(which is what Rockstars drink) and they had a trailer full of band equipment, and even a BMX bike jammed into the bumper which Ande had spent the day riding.  You realize how old you are when you think that this must be painful, no TV, no bathroom, no comforts of home.. but my son thought it was AWESOME when I told him… he by the way was in a band and is the same age.. so I MUST be old !!  

Chris - guitarist and "I once killed a man with my bare hands" for Versus the Nothing

We agreed to meet the next day, the day of their last show in Salmon Arm, and off we went…..but not before a few more deep leg lunges and some high fiving and ass smacking… I think Jay sprained his wrist when he smacked mine, as it is hard and athletically curved from years of deep leg lunges and other Rock Star like poses… I on the other hand lost my hand up to my elbow in his buttocks… anyways… I now wish I never wrote that, so don’t read the previous sentence please…  

“if it jumps around, moves at the speed of light, give it a microphone and call it a lead singer”  

"See? Deep leg lunges as per my instructions"

The next day when Suzanne calls to see if they are ready, they are ALREADY at the Farmer’s Market… probably plugged in and “borrowing” electricity as Ross calls it.. nice to see they are excited and ready to go. We get there, forced Denham to put his granola crate down and commenced shooting… but not before Ande combed out his mullet for the tenth time… Ross drank some Red Bull as he was not vibrating enough (Ross is hilarious and reminds me of a hummingbird with a severe case of the “Jimmy Legs”)… Jay caressed his chest hair until his hand got stuck….Chris went over to help Jay free his hand and was never seen again…  

“I asked Jay to take off his wool sweater…. he wasn’t wearing a sweater… he just makes bigfoot look hairless”  

Versus the Lamas

We tried to get some shots of the tractors, but the band kept crawling all over it… we tried to shoot some pix of the lamas, but neither one of us was able to get the band outta the shot… same with the rock pile and pumpkin patch… the chicken coop… the ball diamond… the outhouse…  

Someone smells like a Lead Stinker

These guys jammed Ross into a thrasher or combine like piece of equipment, we all laughed until it started up and ate him. Jay “pretended” to bowl a pumpkin at Suzanne until it broke and smashed her…. anyone know how to remove pumpkin guts from a camera? Ande leapt from the top of the bus and glided to the ground thanks to the powers of his mullet. Chris picked Ross up and played him like a guitar until his string broke. Denham fought 3 lamas for their granola and won… the whole time I was thinking of a new tune for the band.. the band on the run…  

“Are you ready Jay? Ande? Ross? Chris? Denham? ALRIGHT FELLAS!!! LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!”  

As a “postcard” to our time together, I put together a little diddy that went something like this….  

“Extension cord for “borrowing” electricity… 
Versus the Nothing stickers on the bus for publicity,
Denham is the “Little drummer boy”,
I gave him the nickname “Little Corduroy”,
going to the farmer’s market to take pictures with Pumpkins and Squash,
after that Ross and Jay and Chris took a shower in the Husky car wash,
They boys don’t like pumpkins cuz they get stuck in the gullet,
Ande is the guy in the band with the mullet!
I told them I write songs and I also take pix, they laughed at me and poked me with drumsticks  

Road Dogs Road Dogs, look at what you’re missin’
Road Dogs, Road Dogs, our van has a new transmission!!”  

After I gave them this song, I believe it was Ande that said “Shane, the fire that you spit” and Ross said “That’s gold Jerry, gold”…. and Jay said “We should do a comic book”…. and Denham blurted “I wanna hear some drum ideas played on a 1953 Coke bottle” ???  which I thought was rockstar verbage for “You are NOW our lead lyricist” but I have yet to see this song in any of the cd’s or music videos… so I believe they are just pulling my leg..  

Who farted? who farted? it was Shane said Versus the Nothing who are now tattle tales in my book

 So we wrapped up the shoot and the lads invited us to their show that night in Salmon Arm. They were pretty excited because it was going to be their last show before heading home, after a couple of months of being on the road. They planned to do the show, and then head home right after. Denham was the designated driver, or Denhamnated driver as I pointed out… he was the only guy that could do it, as his thick muscular drumming legs were able to maintain a constant 110 km/hour speed while sleeping to not draw attention to the van from the authorities…  

“CAN YOU GUYS KEEP IT DOWN!?!?!? I AM TRYING TO SLEEP!!! yelled Denham as he drove the tour bus”  

We show up at the venue later that night after the UFC fights on the bigscreen…. the smell of dankness fills the air… mold, mildew type air enters our nostrils…. the acrid smell of sweat is apparent….. Suzanne mentions I should put my shoes back on and the smell dissipates….  

Things were going well until Jay broke an imaginary string on his imaginary Bass guitar...

We met the lads backstage in the dressing room, they were pumped to say the least. They signed some tour postcards for us as mementos of the trip, I signed my autograph on some blank pieces of paper that Denham later ate, Ande blew his nose with, Jay lost his amongst his chest hair, Ross is using my autograph for song lyrics and Chris is suing me for papercuts he got when making a paper airplane…  

The band offered us some ice cold water from a cooler they probably ”borrowed” from a Park Ranger, as we took shots of them warming up.   

Denham, Ande, Chris, Ross and Jason of Versus the Nothing

The Band went on, sweat and drumsticks flying everywhere as they proceeded to ROCK through their sets. The fans went wild, and the boys gave it their best. Ross knocked Ande down by mistake (so he says) but he never missed a chord during their first song.  Jay played his bass guitar like a madman chopping wood, as Chris stood beside him playing his guitar with what looked like a beef jerky… hands moving too fast to recognize it really…. Ross spent 90% of the time jumping and screaming into microphone that wasn’t even on… the other 10% was spent dodging broken drumsticks… Denham was a blur as he pounded on the skins, which reminded me of trying to shoot a good picture of the Tasmanian Devil… I thought Ande was trying to whack me with his axe, but as it turns out he plays it like that all the time due to electrical shorts in the wiring of his homemade guitar (I thought I could smell flesh cooking)  

Even knocked down, Ande doesn't miss a note !!!

Ande playing his axe

Ross singing his lungs out

Jay slamming his bass

Chris doing his thing on his axe

Denham smashing the skins into oblivion

Versus the Nothing on the drumkit for publicity.. extension cord for... well you know the rest!!!

Suzanne won the "Cuteness" contest with the boys... she was never seen again

It was getting late, and we called it a night as I am of the older version of the perfect male… we both thought it was an AWESOME experience meeting the band, and getting to know them. You couldn’t ask for a more well behaved young group of guys, and very very talented and should go far in the music scene. I highly suggest  you check them out on the links I will provide, and become fans. Ross, Jay, Ande, Denham and Chris thanks again as you guys were awesome, and just so you know, I am now out of work and writing “Song Verses for Nothing”……………hahahahahahaha!! get it?!?  

thanks for reading my rants,  

Phobloggrapher/Bloggerinchief for Suzanne Sagmeister Photographer  

http://twitter.com/bloggerinchief1  

http://twitter.com/ChixOnPix  

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Suzanne-Sagmeister-Photography/19661091848  

http://www.suzannesagmeister.com/  

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%253A%252F%252Fwww.youtube.com%252Fwatch%253Fv%253DCmbLAIItumE&h=5e1046470aa4456d24e4f871f6e7da16&ref=nf

http://twitter.com/versusthnothing

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Versus-The-Nothing/9981198383  

http://www.myspace.com/versusthenothing  

The Van-Couver for VTN

I must say the time spent on this was well worth it, though it looks like I worked for days on my hair and makeup, it was actually only hours…..and it did manage to cause us some very sore stomachs from laughing our butts off when snapping the pix for the doo of the day which I put on Facebook or reading the comments…

In a nutshell, Suzanne had done some photos of some normal ladies (well when I say normal I mean they are not professional models, but I would not take the stand swearing to their normalcy in other aspects, especially Wingwoman Lylie) anywho, these pictures were going to be put together in a calendar for Victoria’s Attic in Grande Prairie to raise awareness for Breast Cancer. The title was W.O.W. (Women Of Wisdom) and there was going to be an unveiling, and booby shaped muffins, and some heads shaved… a gal named Shawna and my melon… then a bunch of others joined the group which is always good when a good cause is happening.  So all is good right? you would think so… people doing a calendar, Breast Cancer awareness, heads shaved, etc….. well, this is when I had a brainstorm of my own……

“Doo Of The Day Until Bald For Boobies or DOTDUBFB”

I was going to to a “Doo Of The Day Until Bald For Boobies” and put the pictures on my Facebook and Suzanne Sagmeister Photography’s page also….. and I was going to give it a cool name along the lines of Suzanne who always comes up with funny and cool slogans like W.O.W. or Sneak Peaks, so I called it “DOTDUBFB” which made no sense according to anyone that took English in school apparently…. “DOTDUBFB” which is pronounced “DOT DUBB”…. the “F” is obviously silent… you know, short for Do Of The Day Until Bald For Boobies…..but I digress… cool names is not what I doo… GET IT??? DOO !!! like hair DOO !!!!

Day 1 – So, Suzanne left me alone for a couple hours and after running around with scissors for a bit I decided that the natural part of my hair would be an AWESOME start of the “Day Doo’s”…

"The Parting of the Gray Sea" - I can't go to school today Mom, my hair's too short and my socks are too tight

I snapped this one with my phone, and had it as my background picture until it made me ill… which was a week later… manyways, I put it up and called it “Doo of the Day Until Bald For Boobies” on Facebook and really thought nothing of it… I got a couple of comments, mostly from my children, but that was about it… Suzanne suggested putting it on the fan page which I thought was awesome as I only have 2 friends and really wasn’t getting the publicity I deserved !!!

Day 2 – Nobody really commented too much on it, so I thought I had to step it up another level… my hair was not that long to begin with, and it really didn’t leave me with a lot of options, but I grabbed the hairspray, the gell, the hair glue and the brush and hit the bathroom and the mirror…

“I walked across the avenue, I never thought I’d meet a girl like you ah ooh…”

Flock of Seagulls got nothing on this doo !!!!

We thought Suzanne’s pink hoodie would really bring out the bloodshot eyes, and snapped the picture and this was really what started it all… people were now following the doo”s… and were leaving comments… and were wondering what I might “doo” tomorrow…. ya, like I think stuff and things ahead of time, like I have plan…… WRONG !!!!… I figured a couple of pix, a couple of laughs, and on to my next project… WRONG !!!

Day 3 –  luckily while doing the Flock of Friggin’ Seagulls, I had a brainstorm about a superhero I might consider doo-ing… so I grabbed the gell and glue and spray and hair dryer and scotch tape and utensils from the drawer and away I went…

“Petroleum Jelly is Vaseline… grab some knives and tape and I is Wolverine”

It's like watching the X-Men Origins... seriously... on a $10.00 budget

Now it was just bizarre, Hollywood was calling, people were starting to gather outside our RV awaiting for my appearance and the Doo of the Day !!! ya right, I wanted to go uptown like Wolverine and spend the day like this… but someone, not mentioning any “Suzannes” had other ideas… I was going to do it anyways, but when I went to remove bats from the batcave (pick my nose) I just about took a nostril an eye and most of my forehead off… so, rather than remove my face to prove Suzanne wrong, I took it off to appease her….

“Captain’s log… Star Date 2009…… Klingons all around us… force field growing weaker… warp five.. live long and prosper ”

Day 4 – So now I was going to doo something I thought would be awesome, every Nerd on Facebook would love me, and I could do it WITHOUT losing an eye or part of my nose… all it was going to take was a banana, a whole lot of black marker like makeup pencil and a steady hand….. this one made people laugh and try to figure out how the Hell I got thick and lustrious bangs and pointy ears….

It like looking at a more handsome and younger Len Nimoy... I call him Len cuz I'm cool like that !!!

O.K., the people were starting to get into this… I on the other hand, was just about out of ideas with my short and receding hair… in fact…. my very small brain was now pretty much running on fumes… Suzanne was very supportive and told me to “stop crying soldier, drop down and give her twenty push ups and get back at it !!!”

Day 5 – I’m not sure how I came up with this one, but spend a few hours with gell and a brush and make up pencil, and you eventually come up with SOMETHING… we managed to drag our boy Angus into the fun, and (Suzanne) drew a circle on his face…. which by the way stayed on for 2 weeks… and then another 2 weeks when Suzanne put it on AGAIN!!!!

“Even a deaf dog knows when you are laughing AT him…. and not WITH him”

Little Rascals Alfalfa and Petey the Pit Bull

Well after I got out of the hospital after “Petey the Pit Bull” attacked me in my sleep, I had an idea… something so spectacular, something so awesome, something so GINORMOUS that even Ted Turner and his colorization technology would be impressed….

Day 6 – The thunder and lightning were going off every few seconds….the evil Doctor Kampelastein was working away in his mad scientist laboratory(bathroom) brewing up his next creature…

“The townsfolk were so afeared of this evil monster, they chased him with flaming sticks while he walked with arms outstretched and not bending his knees until his skin turned green…”

FrankenShane

I spent most of that night and some of the morning Stomping through the village with arms outstretched and legs straight, putting the fear of Shane into the townsfolk. Finally, I came to my senses and quit while I was ahead… or a head… a green head…

Day 7 – and the Lord rested…. no seriously, I rested… I was tired from all that stomping and walking and saying things like “Me Crush You” and “Why Don’t My Legs and arms bend?” and my hair was really sore from all the washing and scrubbing of the hair wax and marker off my skin……. “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!” there, done crying like a baby..

“Jim Carrey may be dumb, but I am Dumber”

Day 8 – Always have been a fan of early Jim Carrey, ever since he was on In Living Color with the Wayan’s brothers… so what would be a doo of the day without a little James…. I tell you, that friggin’ make up pencil also works on teeth… mind you, I have a chip from fighting with a wheelbarrow and probably didn’t even have to color it in…

ALRIGHTY THEN !!!

Day 9 – Well, anybody with half a brain would know that Jim Carrey is the newer version of Jerry Lewis in the Nutty Professor… add some glasses, add some huge teeth, and pretty much you’re the Lewis… probably nobody remembers him in this movie, or even him for that matter, but google him and you will see I pretty much could go to the bank and cash cheques as him…. ya, pretty much….

Chiclets anyone??

Day 10 – Well, the fans were awesome, the remarks were fantastic and we had a blast doing it… thanks to Lawson for shooting some of the pictures for me, and thanks to Suzanne for NOT making them look awesome like she wanted too…. I find the crappier they look, the more they can see the drawn on hair and the fake teeth and the bolt in the neck!!! I thought that Elvis was a great way to finish it off, as he was the King, and he was leaving the building… I had to actually SHAVE my sideburns, as they are THICKER than Elvis’ were…..

“Hey Priscilla, can you hand me my peanut butter and pain killer sandwich!”

You.... ain't.... nothing.... but.... a ......hound dog... yer cryin' all the time..

Day 11 – finally, I got to go and get the head shaved…. cuz the hair was driving me nuts and it’s a short drive…

"Is that a car coming towards me?? " talk about deer in headlights look

NOW THIS IS BETTER !!!

Thanks again, hope you enjoyed it as much as we did !!! and remember, Breast Cancer or any kind of Cancer is not funny.. and many friends and families are hit with this devastating disease everyday… so shave your head, do fundraising, donate time, give generously, do whatever it takes to remove Cancer from our vocabulary…

Thank you... thank you very much.... thank you !!!!

Elvis has left the building….. dah dah daaaaaaaah.. dah dah daaaaaaaaaaah… dah dah daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah (theme song for Elvis left the building)

Until next time….

Phobloggrapher/Blogger in Chief

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If you build it..... they will come.....

 Well,

I know what you are thinking.. a marijuana field would be more fun, but keep reading anyways!! I am talking about the Corn Maze field that is out at the Country Roads RV Park (Grande Prairie Corn Maze is available @ http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.gpcornmaze.com%2F&h=8b446d9b1a97a11f0a452ec8cc385ebf) thanks to the hard work of Jason Halwa and I am sure others.

Jason "Jay" Halwa very nicely tanned from working hard in the sun

We kept our “ears” open to when it would be ready, and sure enough we were able to get out there on August 18th. The sun was out, the clouds were out slightly, and there was a breeze thank goodness as it kept the bugs away. We headed out to the RV park and were met by a (let’s say more than slightly) tanned Jay Halwa who showed us the picture of this year’s project (Stars) which “corn”-sisted of very nice replica of their helicopter and a teddy bear cut into the corn field.  

Lawson scratching his head not sure where to go...and chilling his neck with a cool bottle of water

Judging by Jay’s tan, I would think he worked out there cutting the picture into the field for days and days…. hot sun beading down on you…. the pressure of wanting to get things right… the line up of thousands awaiting for opening day…. the my fear of a “stalker” amongst the corn….

We can't decide what trail to take... isn't that A-Maze-ing?!?!?!

He gave us a card each in which we were to find signs he had placed all around the maze, which gives you something to look for once inside, as you can’t see the picture of the maze unless you are of very tall stature…. 100 feet tall or more… manyways, off we go! I overhear someone asking Jay what happens if all the people don’t come out, and he reassures them that he checks before he goes home at night… I wonder who could get trapped in a corn field to myself?? as I am sure you can walk right through the stuff…. anyways, I tell Jay it would be faster to light one end of the field on fire, and I am sure the people would clear out… THIS is why I don’t have a corn maze. We leave Jay to have more “corn”versations with his many fans that have now joined the line up.

An example of some fantastic cuts into the corn for the maze

So, once outside of the store, we turn a “corn”er to find the maze… there are a lot of people already going in, and some coming out.. they are all smiling as I am sure it is fun. We do the start and decide to go left, or north and start following Lawson and Louka our boys. Suzanne snaps pictures of people and the maze, while I crack corn jokes… by now I am singing “Jimmy Cracks Corn and I don’t Care” at the top of my lungs until I get asked to stop or I will get kicked in the “niblets”

"Wait a second, I have seen this corn before!!"

We keep running into the same people over and over again, and I mention to Suzanne that I think they are following us… I then mention to them that a major survivor rule is to never follow someone that is lost… they heed my warning and disappear into the maze.  My feet are starting to hurt, and I think I am getting “corns” but am not willing to take off my shoes to find the worst case scenario.

I thought this was a great idea !! but the boys would not let me on their shoulders to look for signs

The corn is starting to close in on me as we wonder around in circles and squares, and I feel like someone is “stalking” me.. I turn around, and I am right, it is Suzanne and Louka and Lawson…. someone yells out Marco… and we all return the “Polo” and laugh and laugh until we stop.  I wonder if Jay Halwa and we were all in the Army together if he would be our “Kernel”?? I stop thinking like that and continue on our way.

HAHAHAHA THIS IS HILARIOUS !!!!! but we don't get it?!?!?!

Lawson leads for a little while, and then Louka, within the first 30 minutes we had found about 6 of the 16 signs that are hidden along the way. You have to look at the sign and figure out what is means… and then find it on the card “Kernel” Jay gives you before you go in. I wonder just how big 8 acres is, and pray it is smaller than a bedroom…. as it turns out, 8 acres is HUGE, and that is what the maze is built on. So we continue on, and I start mentioning to people that are going in the opposite direction things like “we are missing 3 people, have you seen them as we have been here a week?!?!” or “please send help, we have been trapped here for a week and can’t get out” … all of which I find hilarious, yet others just run… maybe to tell their friends how funny I am?

These girls thought they were going to a "Korn" concert.. but were still impressed !!

When walking through the maze, I am very impressed at how straight the lines are, and how curved the curves are…. it looks as though Jay may have cut out the picture with a quad and some sort of attachment on the front…. but I would not be surprised if this dedicated soul does it with a pair of scissors or a fairly sharp knife. I am also impressed at how you get inside the maze, the height of the corn is above my 6′-1″ fathead… which really adds to the fun… Suzanne likened it to being an ant walking through someone’s front yard…. I was now worried the owner was either going to start his sprinkler or mow the lawn !! I yell out “LOOK, there goes a squirrel with an A-”corn” over there!!!” but nobody looks.

If I had a cell phone, I would be calling everyone to tell them of the "Corn"acopia of fun we were having!!!

We walked and walked, and laughed and got lost on more than one occasion… and my voice got “husk”y in the dry air, but thankfully we brought water.

We end after only finding 13 of the 16 signs as the day is coming close to supper now, and I had to basically surgically remove Suzanne from her computer to get her here for the 2 hours we took. We head back to the office after getting lost and separated one or two more times… Suzanne realizes back at the office that she was thinking the picture was the other way, but I am unsure how a helicopter can fly upside down?? so I just try to ignore her. The boys are very excited and are chatting a mile a minute… as we hand in our sheets, more people have come to explore the A”maze”ing field.

it helps to walk in order of height, this way the guys behind the big guy see nothing....

We thank Jay for his hard work and allowing us to come out and have some family fun. I tell Jay we have to get home and watch our favorite television show about the corn police called “COBS”. I am sure Jay has heard enough corn jokes for awhile.

Thanks for the fun Jay !! thanks for reading everyone,

I STILL DON'T GET IT !!!!! and I DON'T CARE !!!

and keep in mind things to bring are pens for the cards, a hat if sunny, bugspray, sunscreen, water and sensible shoes… though I am not sure what un-sensible shoes would be?? probably high heels or swimming flippers.

as usual, thanks for reading about life on the road with your favorite PhoBloggraphers

Blogger in Chief

I am NOT going home to eat corn on the cob...

these signs are like gold in the maze.....

they wandered off... never to be seen again... nature is like that...

we argrued until midnight and then got kicked out of the maze

this was my favorite corn-er

I thought we could eat the corn... sorry, the maze is ruined

I see you Mom, so quit trying to scare the niblets out of us !!!!

I like to taste the dirt to see how much manure Jay used... he used lots.. yup... tons of it...

Jimmy Cracks Corn and I do too !!!!

Where is he? it's 5 past eat time and no sign of the boy!!

 Manyways, he is another mouth to feed and another pile or two or three of poop to pick up and we love him. He loves the kids, as he has more people to pet him and talk to him and get in their way when they don’t want him there.  Bon just sits on the couch and watches him and thinks to himself “Why would anyone want a dog?” as he is human (according to him)

Louka has taken an interest in feeding of the cows(as I call them)so I snapped a few pix and posted them on the ever popular Facebook… but here it is for those that don’t have access to us there… he is here visiting his other family from Longlac Ontario, and we couldn’t be happier !!

4 scoops dry for Angus, 3 scoops for Bon... then rice, then canned..

 The task happens twice a day, whether you are in the mood or not.. they don’t really care if you want to feed them, as they will wait until you sleep… and then KABLAMMO!!! anyways, Louka is quite happy to get the 4 scoops for Angus of dry and 3 scoops for Bon.. then into the house for adding some rice… equal amounts or they will argue like brothers about who got more and why Dad loves me more than you (brother stuff)

“Hey, you got and ounce more canned food than me!!! what gives here?!?!”

equal amounts.. equal amounts.. equal amounts or it comes off my hide!!

 I find it hard to watch Louka doing the mixing of the food in the bowls, as he is just above the counter height, which means his face is pretty much inches away from the bowls…. he makes comments like “oh this hamburger meat smells good!” and I gag just thinking about it.  Funny, the only people that eat meat in the house are the dogs..and the stuff in the cans too, but I don’t think that constitutes meat or meat by products!!

 ”MMMMMMMMMMMM, that smells good !!! he says as I fight back the gag reflex”

 

After the kibble and the rice and meat and the canned meat goes in, a little bit of cream cheese for Bon as he is a hard gainer and can lose 10 pounds by skipping a meal it seems…. he probably weighs in at 135 pounds right now and Angus comes in at a slim 160 pounds… so he really doesn’t need the cheese !! lol

Now comes the mixing of the meal by the hand(s)… to get your scent into the food so they know who the Alpha is… Louka takes it all in stride and does it now without asking “Are you sure we have to do this?” over and over again.

gotta get right into the meal prep by "becoming one" with the dish

 So after the mixing is done by hand, outside we go to the backyard to the gazebo(well, it was supposed to be a gazebo until the day I set it up, turned around, and they had moved in) manyways, the “Dog”zebo has the elevated table and two holes for the bowls to go into.. I had the boys convinced I found a couple of people using the table as an outhouse… the look on their faces was well worth the price of admission.. especially after I said “look, the turds are still there on the ground!”

“The “Dog”zebo was well equipped for emergency use as an outhouse if necessary”

Louka likes it when my left ear is pointing in the direction of the "Dog"zebo !!

If you remove the bowls, you can use this as an outhouse!!!

Louka then gets the boys to sit on command before he releases them to eat… it is his way of showing them that HE IS THE BOSS !!! Not Tony Danza!!!

He who sits before me, shall receive food... unless you rush me and take it anyways!!!

Then they scarf the food down like a chainsaw going through wood and make sounds like Homer Simpson or Louka’s older brother Lance when HE eats. They stop midway for an eye cleaning and petting, and then keep eating until the bowl is licked clean.

Someone has dogfood breath... not mentioning any names Angus

Louka then tries to lift the boys one at a time, to see if they are gaining or losing weight… notice I wrote he “tries”…

I think Bon is gaining weight, as I now have a hernia

Then, it’s off to the street with the large bag of doggy doo doo that weighs about 40 pounds… food goes in, and poop comes out.

Why can't they use the toilet like the rest of us??

Thanks for reading, and thanks to Louka for being such a good Alpha or Pack Leader as the Danes call him.

Blogger in Chief

HEY !! How come you can smile???

Well,

not sure the last time I blogged but here goes nothing… this really has nothing to do with photography, but rather behind the scenes at a photographer’s household… will keep it short, so that my brothers and son can read it.. they apparently can’t read more than several words at any one time..

“He’s our very own poop flinging monkey!!”

We have been blessed with a “Fairly Decent” Dane for 2 years now, added him to the family as a newbie and he really knows nobody else as Mom and Dad and siblings… he came in on the plane from Sault Ste. Marie Ontario two summers ago and was covered in his own poop in his kennel and whining, and basically hasn’t changed.. well, he is another 120 pounds heavier but much has stayed the same.

He comes with us on shoots, and goes pretty much anywhere we go and is readily accepted.. he is our official mascot so to speak… arf… bark… whatever…

We always thought that since we named him Bon’s Problem Child after AC/DC’s original singer, a girl to add to the equation would be nice, and call her Whole Lotta Rosie… well, that never panned out, as there are a lot of Great Danes out in the world that people get, and then “un”get.. if unget is a word and I think it is… so a rescue Dane it was going to be.. an animal in need of a good home by people that really wanted to have it in their lives.

“Deaf in one ear, can’t hear out the other”

So manyways, we decided that if ever a Dane came up for rescue that would be a good fit for us, we would adopt an already matured one rather than a new puppy…

I may be deaf, but these ears can still be used for an "Earover" to cover bald spots !!

So after we looked at a few of them, we had an opportunity to see a Dane that was deaf, blind in one eye, tail missing and had multiple surgeries, and multiple homes and was around 2 years old but was considered a sweetheart.. and a boy…  we thought it was a good idea to have a look as it sounded like this one needed rescuing…but there went the Whole Lotta Rosie name.

I said I was deaf, I didn't say I was a pillow !!

Well, sure enough this guy was a sweetheart.. what little tail he has, he wiggles like it is on fire whenever he sees a person, and he was chubby… in fact, it looked like he was a hippo with a Dane head!!  exept that he isn’t… but it looks like he is… but he isn’t…

“Well I am unsure of why Dad flails around with his arms when I am in the garden, but I sometimes do it just to watch him…. it’s like he is trying to fly”

So “chub chub” as I nicknamed him got to spend a couple of days with us, to see if he wanted to come and live with us…. I quickly learned that talking to a deaf dog only made me feel good, and really did nothing for his end of things.. if he went somewhere he wasn’t, I would tell him not to, and he would continue… or if he needed to stop pulling on the leash, I would give him the command to heel, and he would continue pulling…

why does Dad yell at me when I am in the garden? does he want me to stay here? or get out? man, he is very confused.... I will nap here till he decides

So we pretty much work things around him using hand signals… a straight hand high into the air is the signal to sit…. the hand gesture to come along is basically the hand swooping down into the direction you want him to go… and the signal for him to go to bed, is not what I thought it was… I was telling Suzanne that he was not going to bed for me when I asked him.. she asked what I was doing, and I said that I was taking my two hands and putting them together by my face… well after she was done laughing and rolling around on the floor, she reminded me it was two hands together sideways, and close to the floor…. anyways, I put my two hands together by my face and I gave up and went to bed !! lol

Let’s go get Dad’s staple gun and do this right buddy!!”

He is in a world that is completely silent, and has slight vision issues in one of his eyes. When he wants to fall asleep, he basically falls to the ground like you’ve dropped a 160 lb bag of dirt from 3 feet and is out in seconds.  When we first got him, he got up 3 or 4 times during the night to fly into our room to make sure we were still there… he was quite scared we might have left him apparently, because as soon as he put his face to our faces, he would immediately go back to bed and fall asleep… brought tears to my eyes the first few nights as we could only imagine what he must have been thinking being in 3 or 4 homes already. Not to mention being found roaming the streets of Saskatchewan, with a broken tail (that had to be removed) and a face full of porcupine quills, and badly infected ears.. he has had it “Ruff” !!

Hey Bon, see how I can take 7 dog years off your look?? now let's go find Dad's staple gun and do it right!!

He is probably the happiest dog you will ever meet in your life.. his stub of a tail constantly wiggles and causes his hips to flail back and forth.  He wakes up with a jump from his bed when you tickle his feet and smiles and wags as he leans against you. We call him my 160 pound cell phone as his head is constantly attached to my belt when we walk through yard together. He really wants to please and quickly learns any new task we challenge him with, like sitting before eating, and before leaving the yard or house until we give the command. 

“food goes in, poop comes out.. food goes in, poop comes out.. food goes in, poop comes out”

Like Bon, he will come on shoots with us and go everywhere he is allowed to go. He fit right in when we were living in the RV, and he loves the house we are in now. He and Bon had to adjust after the boys got here, as Lawson and Louka are sleeping in what used to be their(Bon and Angus) room… we told the kids the dogs might climb into bed with them after they were asleep and push them out… Victoria sleeps with the Danes in the basement, and says they come in sometimes and push their noses against her face… I told her they don’t mind if she puts her face on their noses…

The 3 Stooges... Slow, Moe and Deafy

Now that 3 of our 4 kids are here, they have plenty of people to pet them and will lean on them until they do. They sit on anyone they can while watching TV, and are quite content sleeping beside you. I have not attempted to ride them since Bon bucked me off as a pup, but dream about the day when we can ride them off into the sunset.

The Great Anguswallenda balances perfectly on one paw, getting ready for the day he crosses the yard on the clothesline!

They have their own fan page on Facebook, and love to write their daily activities down for all to read. The kids love when they come along to shoots, and many people leave comments about their dogs on the pages.

Thanks for dropping by, I hope you enjoyed the update on the only 2 Fairly Decent Dane photographers in Alberta. Keep an eye out for them, and remember to yell when talking to Angus, as he is deaf !!!

Bloggerinchief1/Phobloggrapher

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Suzanne-Sagmeister-Photography/19661091848

“sign busting winds”

Manyways, driving into Edmonton yesterday from Grande Prairie in the high winds reminded me of a an event that happened to Suzanne and I last year. We were on our way from Edmonton returning to Grande Prairie… we were going to do a weekend of sessions, but the winds were un-be-lievable… I am talking “sign busting” winds…. signs along the highway had actually snapped in half or bent in half… we had to postpone the shoots for another time except one that was being done indoors.

So, we are cruising back, straight into the wind, which was quite the challenge… the winds were apparently gusting up to 90 km/h and we were travelling at the speed limit of 120 km/h… not the posted speed limit, as the sign had broken… me being the law abiding citizen I am, of course just took it for granted that during a wind storm/tornado/hurricane you add 10 or 20 kms… as we are leaving the Edmonton area, we see a truck pulling a camper ahead of us…. I pity the poor fool that has to do it, as we have been there and done that…. well, what we see next is amazing… incredible…. unbelievable… wait a second, sorry but I have to go to the bathroom, BRB…..

“Jimmy Buffeting in the wind”

Sorry for that, I am back… it was mind over bladder and the bladder always wins… where was I? Oh ya, so we see this truck with a family in it pulling this camper ahead of us, and the awning is actually starting to unravel… probably 1 to 2 feet of it had unravelled and was “Jimmy Buffeting” in the wind…. it was actually acting as a wing and was causing the camper to rock back and forth quite violently… so being the caring people we are, we decide that we need to slam the Hemi full force and pull up beside them to get their attention… I wanted to shoot their tires out so they would have to stop, but I didn’t have a gun, and it would have been to risky a shot for Suzanne to take as she is blind in one eye and can’t see out the other….

So we do what was #2 on our list, well my list, and Suzanne says if I can pull up beside them, she will get their attention and let them know that they have “awning issues”… so, like I wrote earlier I stomped on the gas and of course I am so amazed at the power of the Hemi, I shoot right on past them… now here is the good part…. get your friends and family and have them gather round… I will wait….

“she was GOING to get their attention when I PULLED up beside them… GOING to…”

Thanks for hurrying, soooooo as I am propelling/rocketing/flying by them instead of pulling up BESIDE them….. Suzanne has the window rolled down and was “going” to get their attention when I pulled up BESIDE them… but as we fly by them, she has to stick her head out the window and look back at them and let them know what was going on….. did I mention I flew by them? did I mention Suzanne then had to put her complete head out the window? well, she did get the attention… and they did realize they had a problem and pulled over immediately… but the look on Suzanne’s face when she came back in the truck was priceless…. she was white as a ghost… had wind blown hair and face… and she was missing something…. her…. brand…. new….. prescription…. glasses…

“Bucks don’t make passes at Does that wear glasses”

Yup, brand new, just got them… they were new, the were blue, and they were funky… and now, they were somewhere on the two laned highway probably still sliding along the roadway…. soooooo, we cannot stop and pull over, as we are doing probably mach 1 still and the traffic is quite heavy. So we drive ahead and do a U-turn as soon as possible and drive back and do another U-turn and go the area we think they flew off….. did we find them? no…. if we did find them would they be wearable? no…

So, if you ever are leaving Edmonton and heading back to Grande Prairie please keep your eye out for what we like to believe happened to her glasses…. a deer or moose that had really bad eyes found the glasses and is still wearing them to this day…. and if you are the family we saved from certain uncertainty that day, we are glad you were able to stop and roll the awning up… we think that the price of glasses is a small price to pay to keep a young family safe on the road of life we travel everyday.

thanks for stopping by,

as always,

Blogger in Chief/Phobloggrapher for Suzanne Sagmeister Photography

easy to say, but when you see the odd picture that makes you look like your Dad or your brothers more and more, not so easy to take I tell you. Don’t get me wrong, my Dad is a handsome man, after all, I am starting to look like him more and more so his beauty increases yearly !! But to get back to my original rant, I am definitely looking more and more like him ALL THE TIME I have started to realize!!

“right there capturing my pain and agony for the world to see”

My Suzanne snaps shots of me when we are on a shoot, and lately my neck has been contorted in odd older-man-like ways, or my knees are killing me from kneeling on wooden floor and I grunt and grimace when getting up….. oh ya, did I mention she is snapping shots of me while I am doing all of the above?? you betcha…. right there capturing my pain and agony for the world to see…. ya, now I am going to have to think about things when I get up now, plan things out, make things more graceful in case she is snapping shots of me instead of the clients…

Manyways, today I decided to take the pictures I come across and send them to my Dad and my brothers and of course the kids (including the biggest kid Suzanne) with my gripes and complaints about my “Dad like chin” or my “Brother like forehead wrinkles” or “my island pudge stomach” which I earned living on Vancouver Island… not sure why I have decided to do this, but obviously there is not enough suffering in my life so I have to increase my dosage…

“did I mention she Guffaws?”

I always know when Suzanne receives these emails, as there is usually a loud GUFFAW from the peanut gallery she calls her office…. did I mention she guffaws?? well she does, and snorts too, and snores… did I write that?? oh well, like a picture making me look like my Dad, it is JUST THE WAY IT IS !!!

My sons looked like me right from the get go, even my stepson is started to morph into someone that looks like he could be related to me (we force him to wear cool clothes and cut his hair-you put those two together and KABLAMMO!!! you got me !!) so anyways, they have had time to get used to looking like me, or at least they don’t know any better…. which is probably the lesser of the two evils… so I tell them. But when you start out in life looking like your Mom, you kinda get used to it… you even learn to love it… but then time rolls on and the next thing you know the guy in the mirror (or pictures in this case) is starting to look like someone else you know, well it gets freaky let me tell you….

“is it grey or gray? I never know”

So what comes to mind next is, will I start to lose more and more of my hair now that I am starting to turn into the Dadster? he has been pretty much bald since I met him, and his Dad has less hair than an egg… but my Mom’s Dad had a pretty full stack, and was grey… so I guess that is where I still look like my Mom and her side of the family… whew, at least I now know what my Dad looked like at 46 with hair…. pretty handsome Pappy, pretty handsome!!! So I guess  answered my own question… hair stays, but grey… is it grey or gray?? I never know…

I am starting to know the price of milk in certain stores, and the price of gas is starting to enter my mind when driving by gas stations… another Dad sign…. dammit!!! His kids bug him, my kids bug me… dammit !!! another sign… he gags when he has to drive somewhere busy (like the 400 or 401 in Toronto) and I gag when I do shoots or think about pulling our RV… DAMMIT!!! another sign !!!

“DAMMIT”

I guess I knew it would eventually happen, I was just hoping it would happen much later in life, like when I was 100 and didn’t care anymore…. Suzanne will keep shooting pix of me as I age, and of course the emails to the family will eventually stop, as they have probably been aware that I look like I do for some time….

Let’s just say I have a new respect for people that we shoot pictures of that don’t like certain angles or looks they have…. I will try not to say “Oh, this shot makes you look like your Dad” and stuff and things like that… try…. I will “try”…..

manyways, have to get back to work… thanks for listening…. what did you say? what? sorry, my hearing is starting to go…. DAMMIT!!! just like my DAD !!!

as usual,

thanks for joining us on this ride called life on the road as photo journalists and bloggers,

Blogger in Chief/Phobloggrapher for Suzanne Sagmeister Photography

not sure if this is something we want to share with people but hey, we’ve all been young and foolish so here goes nothing…

“but we were both foolish”

It happened a few years ago when we lived in Fort Nelson, BC. and I know what you are thinking “You weren’t young and foolish a few years ago!!” and you are right… I was not young, Suzanne was, but we were both foolish!!

So anyways, Suzanne and I were on one of our many road trips we took every single chance we got.. if you are not familiar with Fort Nelson, you have to realize it is basically a place you can do anything if you love the outdoors… rivers and lakes and mountains and hills and grizzly adams bears and rolling stones sheep and elk and moose and caribou and deer and bobcats and wolves and foxes and stuff and things…. we would either head north to the mountains just outside of Fort Nelly, or any direction you could take Julie the Jeep… and she could go anywhere…

“Suzanne runs slower than me, so I was not afraid for myself”

Manyways, this journey took us south, which was heading back to the Fort St. John direction… we had always wanted to see Sikanni Falls… it is basically a provincial park along the Alaskan Highway(well, the road is along, the falls are WAY off the main highway) between FSJ and Fort Nelson. It is not marked very well, and if you do turn off the highway and go onto the entrance road you might just turn around because there are no real markings of any kind.. in fact, if my fading memory serves me well there is no sign on the highway at all, the only sign marking the falls provincial park is about 50 yards in… so much for advertising.. We actually found the road when we stopped to take a pee break on one of our trips by, and decided to come back another day when we had time and were better prepared.  

We thought that the earlier we go in the season, the less chance of seeing a black bear or grizzly bear during our hike.. the black bears in Fort Nelson are unlike any other anywhere.. they don’t run when they see you, they track you… when I lived in Ontario they would be on your deck or step but run like the dickens if they saw you… not so here… anyways, Suzanne runs slower than me, so I was not afraid for myself… lol

“I can’t back the truck up in a parking lot without the RV…. according to Suzanne”

So we got up early, packed lunches and bear spray and bear bangers and bear bells and I was bare naked until I got dressed… the weather was cloudy and cool and like I said, there was 4 to 5 inches of snow left on the ground, and there was probably a couple of feet in the bush. We loaded up Julie the Jeep and fueled up and headed south to the road.

Tunes cranked, riding down the highway and loving every minute of it. There were probably 10 or 12 moose like usual on our trip to the roadway, and you can easily see that many or more every time you go from Fort Nelson to Fort St. John. I saw my first Grizzly on this road, my first Elk and my first Caribou. We get to the road, turn off and head in. I talked to Jason at work a few weeks before the trip, he was a guy that knew all the directions to places, but had never been to any of them… strange but true… he said to go in, and about 35 or 40 kilometers would get us to a campground and basically we would be able to find the trail in from there…. if I recall, it was supposed to be 45 minutes or more of a hike….

“I found whistling the Deliverance tune helped to calm our nerves”

So down the road we go… basically a gravel logging road… lots of pot holes… lots of water running down the road, across the road, and under the road. There was a very very narrow bridge, that I could not see anyone getting a RV or Motorhome across, but I had little experience with them then…..NOW I could back across it with my eyes closed with our 32′ bohemeth behind us… according to Suzanne… but without the RV, I can’t back the truck up in a parking lot, according to Suzanne.

So because the road is basically a logging road, you know it has lots of curves and hills and the possibility of logging trucks… so we took care, but it was all for not… there was nobody in sight anywhere for the longest time… we drove for what seems like an hour and finally came across someone… remember this guy people, he is an important character in the novel…. he was parked with his very small truck, which looked like a Datsun or something similar (for those too young to know what at Datsun was, it was one of the very first gas saving vehicles brought overseas in the 70′s) He was parked basically on the side of the road and you could only get a vehicle by him one at a time..  his little set up consisted of a tent, a lean to, a BBQ and the junk that everyone should have strewn all over the place when camping illegally along the roadside…

So we drive by real slow and wave to him as he sits in his lawn chair, and he notices both Suzanne and I in our red jeep and waves to the both of us… well, mostly Suzanne as she is cute, and tells me so daily… he looks me right in the eye as we pass within inches of him… we don’t stop because I am whistling the Deliverance Tune which scares the both of us……

“Outhouse-wooden cabin over a hole in the ground-where you do…do?

So we drive another several hundred yards and finally arrive at the campground.  This campground is a field, a field that has been cleared so that people can overnight camp and visit the falls we surmised… we could not get into the field, as there was about a foot of melting snow left, and even that was too much for Julie the Jeep.  So, we hop out, put on our hiking boots, and grab our gear and head down the grounds… after we walked about 10 minutes, we got to the end of the campgrounds and found some outhouses (for those too young to know what an outhouse is, it is basically a skinny cabin built over a hole in the ground where you sit on more wood and do your “business”…. and if you were really lucky, a Sears and Robuck catalogue would be there to wipe your bum with-and if you were really really really lucky, your Uncles were not shooting at it with rifles and shotguns-not sure why they did it, but I guess they hated it that much) anyways, enough about the beginnings of the toilet…

We now see some signs…. the signs that are nowhere else on the road to be found… the signs read “Do not come here, you will be killed by bears and their hand drawn facsimiles”  haha, just kidding, but wouldn’t that have been funny after driving and walking for hours and days ?!?!

“… and left the body”

The signs actually warn you of bears and the path and the fact that you could slip into the river if you venture too close and things of that nature… it also came with some sort of directions that stated you should stay on the path and walk in groups… well, Suzanne and I were a group of some sorts, so we headed down this steep embankment… which by the way had more snow than the parking lot, in fact, we were up to our waists in it right away… hmm we started to think…. maybe getting attacked by grizzlies in the summer is better this?? we trudged along like troopers for what seemed like hours but turned out to be only minutes…. this is not good, we both decide to forego this adventure until summer.

We turn around and head back up this hill which is worse going up, than it is going down, but make it to the top and head back to the jeep.  Once we are at the jeep, Suzanne and I decide it would be a good idea to shoot off some of our bear bangers (bear bangers if you don’t know are a pen like contraption, that has a .22 calibre cartridge on the end that you shoot into the air when confronted by a bear or a herd of bears-it makes a loud bang when it goes off, shoots another object into the air that explodes when it is 20 or 30 feet away… apparently at the Liard Hotsprings they “attract” black bears as they think a hunter has made a kill……hmmmmmm, sounds to me like bear bangers were invented by hungry bears looking for a human meal) 

So, we get into our jeep and head back to civilization…. as we are leaving, Suzanne looks over at me with a twinkle in her eye and says “Hey, wouldn’t it be funny if we drove by that camping guy and I ducked down so that I was not visible… and with the sounds of shooting that we just did, he might think you murdered me and left the body?” well, being the well rounded and mature adult that I was, I said “You BETCHA that would be hilarious!!” sooooooo, away we go!!!

“the authorities are still looking”

So as we approach, Suzanne ducks down before he is in sight, I am driving the vehicle like a bat out of hell and just as we come up to the the guy’s illegal roadside campground, he gets up from his lawn chair and I slow down and put my index finger to my mouth and say “Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” on the way by…. Well I tell you, the look on his face was priceless….. he looks to the jeep, he looks to the way I just came, he looks back at the jeep and you just know he is wondering where the HELL IS THAT CUTE CHICK HE DROVE IN WITH?!?!?… and I excelarate like a bat out of hell once again….. I can still see him looking at me as I drive down the road with disbelief to what he just witnessed….

Well, we laughed for about 20 minutes, stopped to catch our breath, laughed again until we got home, and basically planned on taking our little play on the road and doing this from town to town…. but thought better of it when we realized that earning a living was not possible this way…

If the authorities are still looking for Suzanne’s body, they can stop now…. she still has that twinkle in her eye which means there is blood flow….

thanks for reading another big adventure of two “professional” photographers on the road of life, and thanks to condron.us for the extra exposure of this blog…

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